Been a bit since my last journal! Gonna warn ya, personal ramblings ahead! Daniel likes to ramble when he's hungry and sleepy.
So would you know for the longest time, especially when I was a teenager, I actually hated who I was? Like, really hated. Ashamed, confused and self-loathing.
Many reasons for this. I was bullied a lot through middle school. Hell, my two closest friends (pretty much my only two friends for most of 5th and 6th grade), for one reason or another that I am not sure of, ended up becoming my most...persistent bullies. I was never physically beaten up or anything, don't get me wrong.
But I did get many, many insults, jokes, hurtful words. That sucked. Middle school was a very lonely time.
More than that however, I hated myself for my feelings. I've mentioned it in passing a few times here, but I am bisexual. I live in a somewhat conservative part of the US as well. Don't get me wrong, it's not like, backwards socially or anything, but it's the part of the US where homosexuality is...not always the most supported.
I think I always knew I was attracted to men as well as women. However, considering the attitude of people around me, especially peers, I felt ashamed. Angry. Confused and depressed. I am very sad to say as well that confusion led me to develop a very homophobic attitude for most of my early teens.
While I can't speak for others of course, I can say from my perspective that the stereotype of the "rabid anti-gay person who is secretly gay/bi themselves" is based in truth.
It's only pretty recently that I started to accept myself. I can't say there was a particular point in my life where I started to be okay with it. I suppose the closest was, oddly enough, when I started coming here and watching MLP.
Mostly because through MLP, I made some amazing friends and spoke to amazing people who I could be myself around, who wouldn't scorn me or treat me with disgust or discomfort when I chose too. Suppose it was a gradual process.
But I can say since I came to be okay with it, okay to say "Yes, I am attracted to both genders, male and female", it's made me feel so much better than I used to feel. Actually love myself. Which is a great thing no matter who you are I think.
Even more so when I finally got the courage to tell my parents and was not rejected. I can't begin to describe how wonderful that feels. I really can't.
Oh, listen to me, rambling about myself like this. I do apologize if this seems like a dumb journal, but I've wanted to make this for a while.
Just remember..no matter who you are, what you are, while it's important to love others, it's just as important to love yourself. With how "on the move" people tend to be, it's easy to forget. You are worth something. Your life is worth something. <3
(And as silly Daniel silliness, here's a K-On gif, because K-On is too goddamn cute